Awoken in September

random thoughts

the heart speaks the loudest when the mind is quiet

I allowed my brain to slack off for a bit as I learned to deal with my new body with a little new life inside my tummy. With the progesterone raging in my body, it was hard to find motivation to do anything at all, especially when the work I do relies so much on self discipline. But as always, as I like to believe, everything happens for a reason. When our head stops bombarding us with things to do, to plan, to achieve, you suddenly hear what your heart desires loud and clear! Of course, the heart only speaks clearly after its fears and doubts that comes with embracing a new phase of life is addressed.

So cool! So I realised a heart's desire that never occurred to me - that I really wanted to spend time to nurture a child and mould him/her into a great human being that will make the world a better place. Wow, what a novel priority. And also, I am so glad to be bearing the child of my very dearly loved one! This kind of amazing joy and love towards my dearly loved husband is so indescribable, I can finally understand how new parents feel.

Also, so strangely, how all my musical dispositions are all awoken from their dormant sleep! Such that I devoured my music textbook that I studied for 4 years in secondary school all in one day. Such that hearing beautiful music played from the soul can bring tears to my eyes. Perhaps the little being in me was once a passionate and great player of music. Reading my music textbook again brought me to appreciate many great musicians of the past, this time with a more mature and thoughtful appreciation.  Just that poor Justen had to hear me rattle off excitedly the whole night on the history of music since the 1400s and the new discoveries I made on my new favorite composers.

I always knew Franz Liszt was a brilliant virtuoso pianist, but I never knew he was such a generous and nurturing musician of his time. I always knew Bach wrote many a great concertos, but never knew he had such a good strength of character and was a man who defied norms and pursued his dreams bravely! I always knew I loved Chopin's nocturnes, but never knew the piano piece with the very difficult left-hand parts that I always wanted to learn was the revolutionary etude he composed in response to seeing his country overtaken during the war! I never knew that I would one day ever appreciate music and the great musicians with this deep a fascination and appreciation. How I crave to play the piano again! To play my favourite Chopin's Nocturne in E flat major would feel so good.

Today, it also seems that the progesterone in me has worn down significantly and I find strength in pursuing my dreams again. I had toyed with the idea of creating a practical hand therapy ebook for a quite a while, but always questioned myself if I really am capable of producing a book of quality and use to hand therapy students and practitioners. But I figured... if I never try, I will never know.

Back to the gym today, the good ole slow jog also helped me straighten out my messy brain. Sorting out priorities for my life now in the US, and when I return to Singapore, and my career plans also feels really good. I am ready to be back on track to create a life that is filled with richness and beauty inside out.

Although I always felt uneasy about putting my career on a pause to fulfill my role as a devoted wife here in Tucson, I suddenly realise that this could indeed be a blessing in disguise. Sometimes pausing and taking a step back, certainly brings new surprise and perspectives. Consolidating my thoughts for the past months here, I learn that the most important thing is to be authentic and true to oneself. With that comes integrity, clarity and faith, which leads to true happiness from within.

Looking forward to a wonderful life that I create!

to an authentic self

create a beautiful life today.

xoxo,

crystael